Starting Therapy: A Guide for Women Overcoming People-Pleasing, Setting Boundaries, and Reclaiming Confidence
Maybe you've thought about starting therapy for a while. You've budgeted for it and researched therapists, but the thought of sitting across from a stranger and discussing your struggles makes you want to crawl into a hole. You may wonder, “What if my problems aren’t big enough for therapy?” or think to yourself, “Others have it much worse than me.” You’ve always put others' needs before your own and kept the peace, but now, the idea of opening up to someone makes you feel vulnerable—like you're exposing your weaknesses. But therapy isn’t about weakness; it's about growth, and it's about breaking free from the patterns of people-pleasing that are draining you. In this post, we’ll explore what you can expect when starting therapy, how it can help you manage people-pleasing behaviors, and why setting healthy boundaries is key to creating a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Why People-Pleasing and Poor Boundaries Are Common Struggles for Women
For many women, the pressure to please others is deeply ingrained. From childhood, we’re often taught to prioritize others’ needs and keep the peace—whether at home, at school, or in friendships. This often makes saying “no” feel impossible. As a result, you might find yourself overcommitting, feeling drained, and ultimately resenting the very people you're trying to please.
This cycle of self-sacrifice can leave you disconnected from your own needs, constantly anxious, and worried about what others think of you. Over time, people-pleasing behaviors take a toll on your self-esteem, leaving you feeling lonely, burned out, and unworthy. The cost is high: emotional exhaustion, anxiety, guilt, and a weakened sense of self.
These patterns may have served you at some point in your life, helping you cope and get by. But now, they’re hurting you. Therapy can help you unpack these behaviors and give you the tools to start living more authentically without the constant fear of disappointing others.
Finding the Right Therapist for Boundary Work and Overcoming Anxiety
When you're starting therapy to address people-pleasing and boundary issues, it’s important to find a therapist who understands these specific struggles. The thought of opening up to a therapist can feel scary and vulnerable, but the good news is that a skilled therapist will not only understand your challenges but will also provide a safe space for you to explore them.
A therapist who specializes in boundary-setting and people-pleasing behaviors will help you identify the root causes of these patterns. They'll teach you how to set healthy, assertive boundaries and provide you with tools to manage the anxiety that often comes with prioritizing yourself. Two therapeutic approaches that are especially effective for people-pleasers are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
CBT helps you identify how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected, allowing you to challenge negative thought patterns that fuel people-pleasing tendencies. DBT focuses on helping you build emotional regulation skills and develop healthier ways of responding to others’ demands without sacrificing your own well-being. A therapist who specializes in these approaches can help you break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and develop healthier boundaries over time.
What to Expect in Your First Therapy Session
Before you even begin your sessions, many therapists offer a brief phone consultation to learn more about your concerns and to see if they’re the right fit for you. This call can feel like a small first step toward therapy and may help ease your nerves. You’ll have the chance to discuss what brought you to therapy and what you hope to achieve.
Example phone consultation:
Therapist: "Thank you for reaching out. In this call, I’ll tell you a bit about how I work and mostly focus on what brings you into therapy."
Client: "I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Every time I get a text or a phone call, I feel anxious and drained. At the end of the day, I have no energy left for myself, and I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I can’t keep living like this."
Therapist: "That sounds really tough. I can see why you’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s a huge step to reach out, and I believe I can help. The first thing we’ll do is take a look at some assessments to better understand your struggles. After that, we’ll work on coping skills and improving sleep hygiene. Once we build that foundation, we can dive deeper into exploring your relationships and how they’re contributing to this anxiety. How does that sound?"
Client: "That sounds good. I’m ready to do something about it."
Therapist: "Great! Let’s schedule our first session."
In your first session, the therapist will typically review informed consent, confidentiality limits, and practice policies. They’ll also want to understand your personal history, especially regarding your people-pleasing behaviors, family dynamics, and any challenges you’ve faced with setting boundaries.
Setting Goals for Change
Therapy is a collaborative process, which means you and your therapist will work together to set specific, achievable goals. These might include learning to say "no" without guilt, reducing feelings of overwhelm, and improving your sense of self-worth.
For example, some goals could look like:
Practicing saying "no" without feeling anxiety or guilt
Setting boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers
Rebuilding your self-esteem and developing a stronger sense of self
Reducing the tendency to overcommit or overextend yourself
Your therapist will guide you step by step, helping you break down these goals into manageable tasks so that you can see progress and feel empowered along the way.
Creating a Safe, Non-judgmental Space
Therapy may feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay. It's normal to feel a bit vulnerable when discussing personal issues like people-pleasing or boundary-setting. But remember, therapy is a safe, non-judgmental space where you can express yourself freely without fear of criticism. Your therapist will support you in exploring your thoughts and emotions, even when they’re difficult, and help you challenge any fears you have about disappointing others or being seen as selfish.
The goal of therapy is not to change who you are but to help you live authentically, to stop letting guilt and fear control your decisions, and to feel more empowered in your relationships.
How Therapy Helps You Build Healthy Boundaries
Learning to Say ‘No’ Without Guilt
One of the biggest hurdles for people-pleasers is learning to say "no." In therapy, you’ll develop the confidence to set boundaries without the guilt or anxiety that often accompanies it. Healthy boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about protecting your own well-being. Setting boundaries is a way to show respect for both yourself and others.
Rebuilding Self-Worth
As therapy progresses, you’ll begin to rebuild your self-worth. You’ll learn that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself—it’s essential. Relearning this concept will help you start making decisions based on what’s right for you, not just what’s expected of you.
Setting Boundaries with Different People
In therapy, you'll explore how to set boundaries with different types of people—whether it’s family members who take advantage of your kindness, a boss who overburdens you, or a partner who doesn’t respect your needs. You'll also work on how to communicate your boundaries in a clear, assertive, yet compassionate way.
How to Handle Emotions During Therapy
Common Emotions in Therapy for People-Pleasers
As you begin to set boundaries and prioritize your needs, it’s normal to feel guilty, anxious, or even selfish. These emotions are part of the healing process and can actually signal that you’re doing something new and important. Therapy is a safe space for you to explore and process these emotions without judgment.
Processing Emotions with Your Therapist
Your therapist will help you process these difficult emotions and challenge any negative beliefs that may come up. For example, if you feel like setting boundaries is selfish, your therapist will work with you to reframe this thought and help you see that taking care of yourself is necessary for your overall well-being.
Long-Term Therapy Goals: Freedom from People-Pleasing
Building Lasting Change
Therapy is often a long-term commitment, and real change takes time. But with each step, you’ll start to unlearn old, damaging beliefs and develop healthier patterns. Over time, you’ll be able to prioritize your needs without guilt, live authentically, and build more balanced, fulfilling relationships.
Empowerment and Self-Compassion
Ultimately, therapy will empower you to practice self-compassion. You’ll learn to love and respect yourself in a way that encourages healthy, balanced relationships with others. No longer will you feel like you have to please everyone around you at the expense of your own happiness.
Your Journey to Self-Care and Empowerment
Starting therapy is a courageous decision. You deserve to live a life where your needs matter, where you can set boundaries without fear or guilt, and where you feel empowered to live authentically. With the right therapist, you can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Are you ready to break free from the grip of anxiety and perfectionism? I’m here to support you in taking the first step toward reclaiming your life and embracing true self-acceptance. Schedule a consultation with me today, and let’s begin your journey to living a life that’s authentically yours—free from the overwhelming pressure to be perfect.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, I specialize in helping women who struggle with perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors. Together, we’ll work on building strong, healthy boundaries, cultivating fulfilling relationships, and nurturing a deeper sense of self-worth. You don’t have to navigate this path alone—you deserve to feel confident, balanced, and empowered.