The Silent Struggle: How People-Pleasing Fuels Anxiety

Have you ever found yourself saying "yes" to something you wanted to decline to keep someone else happy? If so, you're not alone. People-pleasing is a typical behavior that many of us fall into, often without realizing the toll it takes on our mental health and sense of self. At its heart, people-pleasing means putting the needs and desires of others before your own to gain validation and approval. While this might seem harmless—or even noble—this tendency can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment, and ultimately a loss of your own identity.

Think about it: how often do you feel overwhelmed by commitments because you couldn't say no? Or maybe you've placed someone else's happiness over your well-being, only to feel drained and unfulfilled. This cycle can create a constant state of anxiety as the fear of disappointing others looms over you. You might stress and worry about what others think or how they will react if you try to advocate for your needs. Understanding the connection between people-pleasing and anxiety is important. It is helpful to know why we behave this way and its impact on our lives. This blog post will explore what people-pleasing is, where it often comes from, and how it can heighten anxiety.

Definition and Impact of People-Pleasing People-pleasing is about putting the needs of others before your own to earn validation or approval. While it might seem like a kind or helpful gesture, this behavior is unhealthy. It can lead to resentment, anxiety, or failure because it is impossible to always make everyone happy.

People-pleasing creates an inner conflict. When someone focuses so much on others, they often end up ignoring their own needs and desires, leading to a growing disconnection from who they truly are. It's not uncommon for people-pleasers to spend more time getting to know others while neglecting their feelings and preferences. Over time, this can breed self-doubt, as they find themselves constantly trying to be the person that others want them to be rather than embracing their own authentic selves.

Real-Life Examples Real-life examples include:

• Taking on extra tasks at work because your boss asked, even though it will mean working late.

• Answering calls from family or friends at all hours, even when you desperately need sleep.

• Focusing conversations solely on a friend's issues because their life feels more important than yours.

• Keeping a jam-packed schedule to ensure you're always available for others, even at the cost of your own time and energy.

People-Pleasing vs. Kindness Please people is different from being kind or helpful. People pleasers do not believe they can say no and have difficulty advocating for themselves. When they attempt to set boundaries, they often feel guilty, fearing that others will be disappointed and think they are selfish. This leads them to suppress their true feelings, wants, and needs to keep the peace. 

People pleasers are like chameleons; they can adapt quickly to their surroundings and become whoever they think others want them to be. This adaptability makes them easily influenced and often lacking in self-confidence. Ultimately, people-pleasing is often an unhealthy coping skill for a deeper issue.

Excuses and Blame People pleasers frequently make excuses for the poor behavior of others and take on the blame for things they are not responsible for. Why do they act this way if it is harmful? Making others happy makes them feel useful, and they value the praise and recognition from it. People pleasing can also serve as a survival tactic; they want to keep the peace and be accepted, often believing that the only way to achieve this is through "good works."

Origins of People-Pleasing Many people-pleasing behaviors can trace their roots back to childhood. For instance, a child may feel they have to earn their parent's love and affection through good behavior, academics, or sportsmanship, especially if the parent's emotional availability is inconsistent. This can lead to the belief that love is conditional and a fear of rejection or abandonment if the parent is not pleased. The child may mistakenly believe they can control the parent's emotions. When they fail to perform well, they may face punishment or confrontation. Additionally, people-pleasing can be modeled through parental behavior, becoming a trauma response known as "fawning." Society also reinforces these tendencies, often prioritizing results over individual worth, especially in a capitalist culture.

Strengths of People-Pleasers Despite the challenges, people-pleasers have several strengths. They are typically highly sensitive, making them hyper-aware of others' feelings. They are empathetic and natural caregivers who can understand and even anticipate the feelings and needs of others. They tend to be hardworking, responsible, conscientious, and deeply caring for their communities.

Negative Impacts on Mental Health The negative impacts of people pleasing on mental health are significant, including anxiety. People pleasers often feel overwhelmed by busy schedules and the emotional strain of being attentive to others. This behavior can lead to resentment and anger, low self-esteem, and a reliance on external validation. 

Individuals who struggle with people pleasing may become distressed when they believe they are not meeting others' expectations and avoid conflict at all costs. This avoidance can heighten anxiety about potential disagreements, prompting them to overextend themselves to maintain peace. As a result, they may take on too many responsibilities and struggle to meet all obligations. The inability to set healthy boundaries contributes to stress and resentment, leaving them trapped in draining situations. Chronic stress can lead to a lack of awareness of one's own wants and needs, resulting in depression, burnout, and exhaustion.

Breaking the Cycle of Anxiety People pleasing can reinforce the cycle of anxiety. Understanding the connection between people pleasing and anxiety is a big step towards addressing the underlying anxiety. Therapy and self-reflection can help individuals develop healthier coping strategies and build self-esteem. Learning to say no and setting boundaries are essential skills that can help restore balance in relationships and personal well-being.

If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you're not alone. There are steps you can take to reclaim your sense of self. Let's work together to find that balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.