You’re Not a Jerk for Saying No: Empowering People-Pleasers
You're invited to a social event, your boss asks you to tackle a project, and a friend or family member needs a favor. You're exhausted. You don't want to do any of it. But you also don't want to let anyone down or cause an argument, so you agree to do it all - even though you are already stretched too thin. This pattern of people-pleasing is exhausting and leads to feelings of overwhelm and resentment. Please know: it is not mean to say "no."
Setting boundaries is essential to maintain balance in life. Doing so protects our emotional resources and leads to healthier and respectful relationships. It's time to embrace setting boundaries and saying no and realize that it is not only okay but necessary for your well-being and living a life that aligns with your values.
Understanding People-Pleasing
People-pleasing has deep roots in the fear of conflict and rejection, a desire for approval, and the belief that others are more important. People-pleasing is a pattern of going out of your way to please others at the expense of your needs, desires, and well-being. People-pleasers are avoiders. They tend to avoid conflict and uncomfortable feelings like guilt. Instead, they seek approval and validation by overextending themselves. The reward of acceptance and validation is short-lived, though. This behavior can lead to:
Burnout-constant over-commitment leads to exhaustion.
Resentment-Suppressing your own desires and needs often leads to bitterness and frustration.
Low self-esteem and your worth to others can undermine your sense of self and confidence.
The Power of Saying No
Saying no is a powerful act protecting your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. When you don't speak to others, you risk losing touch with yourself and what you need. Setting boundaries also creates healthy and honest relationships with others. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include:
Increased self-respect- When you set boundaries, there is a sense of pride that you affirm your needs matter.
Better relationships- Reduce opportunities for frustration and bitterness to creep in and create more honest and meaningful connections
Reduced stress- Saying no to things that do not align with you allows you to prioritize the things that matter.
There is a difference between being kind and being a people-pleaser. Kindness is choosing to be helpful because you can and want to, whereas people-pleasing is not genuine because it is driven by fear or a sense of obligation. Saying yes to making others happy is a disservice to them and yourself because it is not authentic. Say no and set boundaries to ensure your actions align with genuine intentions.
Common Myths About Saying No
Myth: Saying no makes me a wrong person.
Saying no does not mean you are a bad or uncaring person. Instead, it means you care and value yourself, too. It is an act of self-care and self-respect for your own needs. Setting boundaries allows you to create space to be your authentic self and offer sincere help when you can rather than begrudgingly or out of obligation.
Myth: Others will be disappointed or upset.
Healthy relationships thrive off of mutual understanding and respect. People who genuinely care about you and deserve to be a part of your life will respect your boundaries. It is natural to worry about how others will react, but it is not your responsibility to manage someone else's emotions.
Myth: I'll miss out on opportunities.
Quality trumps quantity when it comes to commitments. You were never made to do it all. By saying yes to things that align with your goals and values, you open up space for more meaningful and fulfilling opportunities.
Strategies for Saying No Gracefully
Be Honest and Direct
The goal is to be clear and direct. There is no need to provide a lengthy explanation if you cannot or to make up an excuse. State your decision straightforwardly, such as, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I cannot commit to that right now."
Being transparent and direct is one of the most effective ways to say no. You don't need to provide long-winded explanations or makeup excuses. Straightforwardly express your decision. For example: "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm unable to commit to that right now."
Use "I" Statements
An "I" Statement is a communication skill that allows you to state your feelings without sounding defensive or rude. An "I" Statement focuses on your feelings, your experiences, and your needs, centering the conversation on your boundaries and not the other person's actions. An example is, "I feel overwhelmed by my current responsibilities. I can't assist you right now, I need to focus on my current responsibilities."
Offer Alternatives
If appropriate, you can offer an alternative. You can't provide time, but you may know of a resource that may be helpful to them. You can also propose a different timeframe for when you might be available.
Overcoming Guilt and Anxiety
When you first start setting boundaries and saying no to things, it is expected to feel guilty. Many recovering people-pleasers experience anxiety and fear that they've let someone down. Validating those emotions without allowing them in the driver's seat is important.
Practice self-compassion by giving yourself the same grace and kindness you would give to a friend in the same situation. Saying no is not selfish, it is an act of self-care. Mindfulness can also be helpful. Mindfulness is the act of being in the present moment, being aware, and being non-judgemental. This can help you focus on the present moment rather than ruminating on what others might be thinking. Your worth does not depend on making others happy. Even when you set boundaries, you are worthy of love, respect, and consideration.
Learning to say no is an empowering skill that protects your time, energy, and well-being. By practicing self-care and setting boundaries, you can cultivate healthier relationships and prioritize your needs without guilt. Remember, saying no isn't selfish—it's essential for living a balanced, authentic life. You deserve to prioritize your needs, and setting boundaries is a crucial step toward doing just that.
By taking the first step today, you'll be well on your way to a life where your needs are respected and prioritized. You're not a jerk for saying no—you're simply making space for a healthier, happier you.